Jason and John were friends and had known one another for sometime. They attended the University of Leeds in England on the Student Exchange Program together and were currently sharing a room at one of the hostels. One day, John came back to the room to find that the handle to lower the blinds had broken off. Annoyed, he questioned Jason as to why it had happened. Jason was not sure if it was spoilt due to him but maintained that the blinds were still working fine the last time he lowered them. John continued to wonder aloud about why it could have broke. Jason got irritated as he felt that it was no big deal and sarcastically told John he was making a mountain out of a mole hill. John exploded and muttered an expletive before stomping off angrily. Jason was taken aback by the huge reaction.
Subsequently, John gave Jason the cold shoulder and did not speak anymore of the earlier incident. Jason was both puzzled and irritated by this unwelcome reaction. Friends of both John and Jason learnt of what happened and attempted to mediate but were unsuccessful. However, Jason realized later from their mutual friends that John exploded that night because of the sarcastic comment and that he had been tolerating Jason’s attitude and speaking manner for awhile now. John was in a particular bad mood that day because of his personal problems and that incident just sparked off the negative reaction. When Jason asked their friends why John didn’t just confront him about his unhappiness, they said that John claimed he did and said it was no use. Jason, however, never felt that John really set him down to talk and thought that John probably did hint at an underlying problem and assumed Jason got it.
With both parties feeling aggrieved, neither was willing to end the “cold war”. Meanwhile, both their friends were stuck in the middle and did not know what to do. They had failed at mediating between them and both had stubborn personalities that were merely making the issue even harder to resolve.
What should Jason, John and their friends do respectively in this situation?
The ES2007S Blog 
Posted by Goh Chern Diana on February 1, 2010 at 4:43 am
Dear Jie Ren,
I personally think this conflict is made even more difficult to handle by the fact that they are both very stubborn individuals. The best way in my opinion is to sit down and thrash it all out. Let both parties voice out all the unhappiness and unjust they are feeling. But then again, because they have stubborn personalities, it might not be easy to even get them to meet up for some negotiation.
I was thinking the mediator (one of their common friends) would be able to help salvage the situation. Some ways I thought would be good in dealing with stubborn people are:
1. Don’t keep insisting as it might create a counter-productive effect.
2. Encourage each of them to speak their honest feelings and let them know that they both have a point.
3. Every now and then throughout the negotiation make both parties feel like their opinions have been taken into consideration.
4. Don’t ask any party to apologise first because I think it would just make things worse if they were that strong headed. An mutual apology might be good when things have cooled down and win-win situation has been reached.
If we were to take into consideration the Emotional Intelligence principles, then I feel that both Jason and John need to learn to manage their feelings better. In my opinion, John should also have exercised some level of integrity by not spreading sarcastic remarks about Jason. Integrity starts with the very little things and actions in our everyday life. In this case, integrity is about talking TO people instead of talking ABOUT people.
Posted by kun lin on February 2, 2010 at 7:46 am
Dear Jie Ren,
First of all, I think it would be better if bothe their names did not begin with the same letter. I had to read your post a few times before figuring out who did what. But it could also means that I am tired and that I need a rest.
Anyway, I think that this is a classic example of 2 good friends breaking up due to being too close to each other.
Firstly, I feel that John should first realize the fact that he was not in the best state of mind when commenting about the handle. If he just scored distinctions for his exams, the entire outcome of the problem would be different. Understanding this simple idea would help John in realising that he was also at fault.
Secondly, assuming that Jason is a logical person, he should accept this conflict as a warning sign that he seriously needs to change his speaking behaviour.
Being mature adults, I believe that after taking some time to cool things off, both John and Jason would realise how childish they were in managing the conflict. I believe that their mutual friends have done enough and may simply wait for them to realise that fact and then arrange a group outing (preferably a large one, like a birthday party).
Posted by Rohan on February 2, 2010 at 2:01 pm
Dear Jie Ren,
I feel the friends of Jason and John should let them be. Such issues take a while to settle down and as I was saying in another comment – ‘ Some things take time, 9 women can’t make a baby in a month’.
Also, John is probably under personal stress beyond the current incident and the Jason reaction just brought out the reaction. Given time and reflection, I’m sure both of them would be doing just fine.
As friends, I think they will need to let things be as well and pretend like nothing happened. If Jason and John are good friends, they wouldn’t want to lose the rest of their common friends over their personal argument. Given time, things would settle.
Posted by Nicole on February 3, 2010 at 10:17 am
Dear Jie Ren,
As Kun Lin has mentioned in his comment, both names beginning with the same alphabet really is quite confusing. It did take me a while longer to properly decipher who did what.
I think there is a need for the two of them to sit down and talk about this issue. However, do not insist on it if they both aren’t ready to have a calm chat, as Goh Chern mentioned, it might just backfire and make matters worse.
This conflict could have been better managed. Mutual friends could try to sound each person out to see if they have somewhat gotten over the incident. If the friends feel that the two friends are ready to talk it out, then it might be a good time to arrange a meeting for all to come together and have dinner (or something along the lines of fun).
I feel that both need to apologize. John should not have conveniently vented his anger on Jason. Considering if John was in a much better mood, this heated discussion would not have taken place in the first place. Also, Jason should change his attitude & speaking behavior. A similar conflict might happen again in the near future due to others not appreciating his speaking behavior.
-nicole
Posted by Jasper on February 3, 2010 at 4:16 pm
Dear Jie Ren
I think that Jason should take the first step by apologizing to John. Here are the reasons why:
1) He is the one with the poor attitude and speaking manner.
2) He should have sensed something was wrong when John threw a huge temper over such a trivial matter and went after him instead of leaving the problem unsolved.
Subsequently, John should also apologize for:
1) Taking out his anger on Jason.
2) Ignoring Jason over the next few days instead of explaining his actions.
3) Using violent language.
Friends should advise Jason to change his attitude if he ever wants to be friends with John again. If possible, they could organize a friendly match of a certain sport (e.g. soccer, basketball) that both Jason and John enjoy and invite the both of them. Sports can be a way of communication too even without any verbal exchange.
I think that conflicts between close friends should not be left dangling as time would eventually kill off any hope of reconcilement. After a period of time, they would probably have already moved on from that previous friendship they shared. Some of the reasons why they might not want to go back to being friends:
1) awkwardness
2) one will feel that the other might already have different interests
3) hatred might have developed
4) “I’m fine with my life now. Do i really need him as a friend?”
-Jasper
Posted by Diana Yap on February 5, 2010 at 1:12 pm
Hello Jie Ren,
I realised that the conflict that has arised between Jason and John wasn’t solely due to the incident of the broken handle of the blinds. However, it was also due to friction between them that was left to build up over time. John has always been annoyed by Jason’s insensitivity. Moreover, John’s bad mood on the day itself actually sparked off the argument as he lost his cool upon hearing Jason’s sarcastic tone once again.
This conflict could have been less intensive if the tension that was built up earlier between the both of them was resolved. Firstly, instead of hinting to Jason that he was unhappy with his sarcastic tone, he could have been more direct. Jason may not take his indirect comment or expression seriously, or he may not even realise his unhappiness, which is always the case when we beat about the bush. John could have find an appropriate time to talk to Jason in a light-hearted but serious tone, letting him know that he could be more sensitive with his words and actions at times. Besides, John should have asked Jason in a pleasant tone regarding the broken handle instead of an interrogating tone.
In context with Emotional Intelligence (EI), both Jason and John failed to manage dispute appropriately. Also, both lack empathy as they failed to control their emotions and allowed themselves to be overwhelmed by their unhappiness for each other. As such, both jumped the gun and lost their awareness of how their words and actions could have affected one another during the argument. John should not have let his personal issues and bad mood affected his conversation with Jason. On the other hand, Jason could have been more sensitive as well. Relationship management is important to have good EI, which was absent in both parties.
Jason, on the other hand, should do some self reflection after hearing from their common friends that John was actually upset with his attitude. As both of them are staying together, it would be right if both could better understand each other and make compromises if necessary.
As for their common friends, I feel that there is a limit to what they can actually do to help. It would also be good if Jason and John were left to clear the tension by themselves. However, by creating more chances for the both of them to mingle and interact with each other may enhance their understanding for each other. John may come to realise that Jason is sarcastic in nature and is not only towards him. Jason could also realise that John is not deliberately picking trouble on him, and that he could be easy to get along with too.
Posted by Brad F Blackstone on February 8, 2010 at 12:55 pm
This is a very fine description of a problem scenario, Jie Ren. In terms of clarity, conciseness and grammatical correctness, this post is as good as any I’ve read for this assignment. The result is a vivid portrayal of a conflict that probably anyone who has ever shared a room with another can relate to. I also like the way you focus the question. And look at all the fine feedback!
Thanks for sharing this!